sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
