Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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