i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
