Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
