dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
