I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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