The brown eye won't let me do that either.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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