Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
