$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
