I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You don't make any sense
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