chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
