She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
