I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
