Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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