i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
