Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
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You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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