I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
