I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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