Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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