I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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