So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
