$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
