My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.