guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
