meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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