I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My vagina is officially offended.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
