her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
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I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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