we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
