she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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