he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
