we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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