oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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