no, he came in my armpit
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
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Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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