Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
