Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
