Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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