Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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