Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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