Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
