Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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