I wish I could teleport
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
