I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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