I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You are the jesus of drinking
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
