i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
