Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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