did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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