Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
