Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
