I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
