hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
