if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
