The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
