Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
