she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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