FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
